January 24, 2017
It’s unusual for me to sleep so late but I was dreaming; complex dreams of a young stranger and her toddler moving in with me. (Aside: why is it that my husband is absent in so many of my dreams? Possibly because he is so present in my reality.) Back to the dream. I pay attention to the emotion of the dream not the contents. Seeing this young stranger move herself and her young toddler into my living room, which wasn’t my living room, I felt out of control. She hadn’t been invited in but was calmly taking over. So I left the room in resignation that I had lost a part of my home to a stranger. Loss of control, resignation, abandonment - familiar friends.
What does all this mean? I could scare up many different spins on the psychology of dreams and interpretations but the importance is not lost on me because of my following thoughts as I woke out of this dream.
I live with regrets over the less than loving ways I’ve treated my kids. Some of these occasions were life and death moments when they were in trouble as young adults. As I woke, these memories attached themselves to my mind like taunting, evil forces that threaten to take me to a places of shame and condemnation. Who needs more shame and condemnation over things in their past they can’t change? I sure don’t, do you? So I battle the demons by asking for God’s gracious presence, agreeing once again with my heavenly Father that I did not do things well as a parent, and rejecting the lies that I am an awful mom. Then I ask Him what I need to know about these memories. They include emergency room, overdose, middle-of-the-night, out of state phone call memories; serious stuff.
“Mrs. Hise, I am Doctor So-and-so from Never-Been-There hospital. We found your number in your child’s possessions. They are currently on life support because of an overdose. What do you want us to do in case…?”
“Well, …uh, Doctor, we have not been in contact with our child for years and weren’t even aware they were in that area of the country.”
I can hear the incredulity of the Doctor as he realized we have not had contact with our child for years, his frustration of having to make another phone call, and the disgust that I must be the worst parent in the world to ‘abandon’ my child to their fate in the emergency room.
That's just one of many instances that flash through my half-awake mind; one of many that rapidly rotate through as I rise to start my day. I battle the feelings of defeat and dread and what-if this would have happened and what-if that would have happened. This barrage of memories becomes an exercise in futility because I can’t change a damn thing. And all of this I just described happened within a few minutes.
As I sipped my first cup of coffee like saving grace, some thoughts occurred to me about these failures.
“Hey wait a minute, I didn’t know about some of these critical situations until they were safely in the hospital under doctors care. And, really, they didn’t call us but someone else did. They never asked us to come and be with them. We offered in some cases but it was after the fact and they said don’t come.”
“And remember the times we were there for them. And yes…there were many more of those than the times we were not there.”
“Also, if mom and dad would have rescued them from each and every one, that’s not healthy for them or us. The name for that is Enablement which is the parent to a snotty child named, Entitlement.”
Fighting back, I threw this one down. “Hey, devil, just listen to this! My God Provider, Jehovah Jireh, is true to His Word.
“For thus says the Lord GOD, "Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out.” Ezekiel 34:11
Okay, okay…getting some perspective on this attack of painful memories. So what the heck does this have to do with my dream? Just this, my regrets are like that stranger bringing her toddler into my home to live without my permission. If I don’t want them to move in and I didn’t ask them to move in, I say so. When the future holds a rehearsal of my failures, then I can decline attendance. My own rehearsal of God’s goodness, faithfulness and love is far more life-giving than watching a performance of Shame and Condemnation!!
What do I do with the truth-based sadness of not being available to my child when I should have? This can be given to the Lord to carry this sadness over the times we have failed as parents.
Lord God, Abba, we give you our sadness over the failures with our children and ask You to carry them as you promised.
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (emphasis mine)
Dear beleaguered Parents,
He is the Faithful One and will carry our failures when we open our hands and lift the sadness and burden to Him, once again. Praying for you, dear reader!
Nancy
