The Farmer's Insurance commercials feature stories of animals gone wild, bizarre car accidents, and claims from homeowners that make it into the Farmer's “Hall of Claims.” Each commercial concludes with the simple punch line: “We know a thing or two, because we've seen a thing or two.”
That punch line has been rattling around in my brain. 'Why?' you ask. Let me tell you.
When relationships get messy, my first impulse is to set the other person straight. My gut reaction is, "I know a thing or two, because I've seen a thing or two. You haven't, so listen up." That's prideful thinking. Good thing I distrust my gut reaction. It rarely helps the relationship grow; instead it backfires. every. time.
The prideful punch line is followed by time to examine my thoughts and motives. Sometimes non-response is wisdom, especially in these political and socially divisive times. If I do respond, it must be without anger. If I am still angry, then I remain silent.
When I simmer down inside, then I measure my response by considering the true state of the person I am in conflict with. "Hurting people, hurt people." Sometimes I know them well enough to consider their circumstance. I proceed cautiously without malice.
If there is more conflict, then my boundary lines become more defined. Boundaries define how you want people to treat you and what you are willing to bring to any relationship. Whether they are deliberately expressed or not, we all have them.
For example...many years ago, in my time of need I met a new friend. I realized that her need was to be in control. We did everything together without other friends. She wanted exclusivity; like a teenage friendship. Only we were way past the teen years. We did HER projects together even when I wasn't very interested. I capitulated to her control until I couldn't. Our times together grew less frequent until they weren't.
I asked myself an important questions. Why did I let people push me around? I didn't have healthy boundaries which are necessary for healthy relationships. Dr Cloud's book, Boundaries, explores the psychology of setting boundaries and offers practical strategies. https://www.drcloud.com
How do these two thoughts of prideful thinking and boundaries go together? Very loosely but they do. Relationships are at times messy, disappointing, hurtful, mean-spirited - you make your list here 👉
Even though I think I have wisdom to bring to the table, my gut reaction and pride fails me in healthy relationships. The next step after giving my gut and anger time to simmer down is to consider the other person's hurt that hurt me. Considering others is a death knell to pride.
Considering others first benefits growing healthy relationships. If we continue to hurt one another as the days, weeks and...years progress, a toxic relationship develops and then it is necessary to put firmer boundaries in place.
I hate the thought of blocking people on social media and from my phone but those are the measures I have taken twice in the last month I have never had to go this far but in this season of those relationships, I did. After I blocked them, the guilt, heartache and the feeling of finality was overwhelming; even if it's just for a season and not forever.
Farmer's Insurance punch line is just that - a clever punch line. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a lifetime of valuable learning.
Be kind to yourself during difficult relationship seasons. Would love to hear from you!
Nancy B
