Have you been on a vacation and had a bad night's sleep? Or two or three? Whether you are in a five star hotel or camping in a tent, it happens. Strange noises wake you often during the night or a strange bed hits all those tender spots. Or a train goes through nearby sounding its horn as if it is 10 ft away from your bed? Or the big dog in the next camp site barks on and off all night?
You've been there. These memorable nights can spell a bleary-eyed, five-cup of coffee day of activity. I'm there now on day three of an interrupted night's sleep. Any spelling mistakes are solely the fault of my spell check, this morning!
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed is hard enough but I make it harder by being a vocally grouchy person. The object of my grouchies is my better half. It isn't annoying enough that I am waked by every strange noise. It's super annoying that he isn't.
What to do? Keep my mouth shut until that first dose of caffeine gives me perspective. Then proceed with the morning cautiously. My saving grace this morning was to be joined by new friends who were equally sleep deprived. I adult much more sweetly when around strangers. Dear hubby was so grateful we had breakfast together!
At breakfast, we traded information like strangers do. It was great to meet new friends that have dogs. They are great conversation levelers. Family information is also a good topic. "How many kids do you have, are your parents still living, what is your occupation." Our new friends have two children; the older is deceased and the younger is a successful adult - a good kid. Then she said something that struck me as very wise.
She recognized that as her only child entered high school, she needed to back off from volunteer school activities and potential helicopter mom behavior to allow her child to grow independently. So she went back to school and achieved a degree that she works in today. This wise choice may have saved her relationship to her child as they became an adult.
I applaud her decision. For a mom of an only child to choose disengagement is difficult at best and impossible for most. Not to stereotype, dads have this choice to make but in different ways. Dads may behave overprotective or hyper vigilant toward daughters, just as moms cling to a son. What happens if you don't choose this sacrifice?
Make no mistake, it is a sacrifice for any parent. To be a dad vigilante or a clinging mom risks the child's resentment and a rough rebellious ride to adulthood. It risks a break in the relationship that may not be repaired in the years ahead. In those teen years, a child needs to experience independence to mature. More importantly, they need to experience failure and consequences that aren't covered over by their parents; engagement in adult behavior, not prolonging childish behavior by cleaning up after their mistakes. Changing a baby's stinking, poopy diaper is expected. Cleaning up after your adolescent's poor choices just leaves you holding their adult-sized diaper. Euuwwwww!
I know this to be true because I've experienced it from both sides; someone cleaning up my messes and me cleaning up my kid's. Learn to make better choices by doing four things.
1. Talk to a trusted counselor/therapist. Acquire those tools to help you and your child through turbulent times.
2. Engage in a faith community or group support that you can talk through the issues of disengagement as you hit rough waters with your child.
3. If you are a Christian; pray, pray, pray for wisdom from your Heavenly Father who gives it liberally.
James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
4. If you are not a Christian with a saving faith in God's Son, Jesus Christ, investigate Jesus's claims by reading the New Testament book of John.
Above all, just get through the day. Have another cup of coffee, pray to get wisdom from God and default to love that child while they grow up into a strong and independent adult.
Grace and more to you,
Nancy B
