Your teen is always asking you a bottom line question. “Will you still love me if..?”
How do you answer that question? Let’s take a picture from a roller coaster analogy.
First drive to the park, walk to the ride, buy your ticket, get onto the ride, secure yourself, hold on tight through the ups, downs and curves (some go upside down), take a deep breath at the end, then do it again.
Your child asked you, “Will you still love me if…?
I drive to the park? Your child may not be familiar with a roller coaster ride. What if this is their first ride? How do you prepare them to get to the park?
Do you preface their trip with tales from your life of disastrous rides you have been on? They don’t really care what your experience has taught you, they care if you show them you care more about their experience. In spite of your fears, are you showing support and excitement for their roller coaster ride?
What if no matter how you warn or instruct them, they are determined to ride the roller coaster? Here is the tough part. We do have life experience and knowledge of our child that may tell them they aren’t ready to ride a roller coaster. Our responsibility is to find a way to say no without shaming them for their desire to ride.
I walk to the ride? Once your child is ‘at the park’, they may not be within your sight. Have you equipped them to find the way if they get lost getting to the ride? What kind of map do they have? Even if they insist they know the way, or friend Susie knows the way, give them guidelines and parameters for their walk from the parking lot to the roller coaster ride.
I ask you to buy me a ticket? It is going to cost them to take this ride. Do they have the money or means to get on? If they don’t, have they spent their money on other items? How can you help them prepare for the cost of a ride? Know you child’s capacity to act either responsibly or irresponsibly. Reward responsibility and teach through irresponsibility.
I get onto the ride? Thinking, planning and saving for a roller coaster ride is just the start. Now they are ready to experience the ride. Are they excited, scared, hesitant, cocky, ignoring you, bringing along that friend you don’t approve of? Step on board with them when appropriate. Shared experiences, especially risky ones, are wonderful bonding times after the ride is over.
I don’t hold on tight? You see this experience is rough for them. It’s going to end in hurt feelings, injury, lost confidence, dizziness and maybe the breakup of with the friend you don’t approve of. After the disastrous ride can be the perfect time to speak encouragement and hope into your child’s life. Don’t miss this by shaming them for trying
I get sick from the ride? To be a bit gross, what if your child gets sick from the ride and you end up holding their head in the middle of the night while they spew vomit. They may even miss the toilet and get some on you (euuuuuwwww). It happens more than you know. Again, don’t shame but use this opportunity to assure them of your love. Later, when their stomach has calmed down you can teach and instruct them. As much as you correct them, listen to them.
I do it again? Do NOT remind them what a disastrous first ride they had. Talk over, pray over all the things they could do differently. Don’t have that big breakfast before you get on the ride. And listen…listen…listen with the goal to hear their heart.
An excerpt from Missing Pages: Adolescence. I would love to hear from you. Do you have a story or comments to share?
Nancy B
