Message To a Friend

How can I begin to explain what your posting means to me? Over a year ago I asked you and your wife to beta read my first draft of Missing Pages. You gracefully replied that you could not finish my illogical, disjointed mess of a draft (my words). It stung me and reinforced the same words that hung on my black robe of shame; not enough, will not finish, insecure & failure. I told you, and myself, “I understand. Thank you for trying.”  I minimized my pain! 

Several weeks later, my young editor returned the first draft printed out and presented in a flat white box. She apologized for taking so long but it was due to severe morning sickness from her first pregnancy. Happiness for her and her husband stirred with nervousness inside me.

She handed the full box to me holding onto her end and said, “This book is yours and my suggested edits are just that, suggestions. You are the author to do with them as you see fit”. She continued with direct eye contact. “As you decide what edits to keep or discard, you will run into decision fatigue, so be gentle with yourself.” That statement led me to believe the edits were extensive and ramped up my insecurity.

When I nervously opened the box several weeks later, the printed manuscript was annotated in detail with different colored pens on almost every page (both sides!).  I skimmed through the edited draft through a shimmer of tears. All I saw was a virtual, red F on every page. I was devastated and lost hope. 

The next few months we downsized, said all our goodbyes and sold the Wisconsin house. I gave myself a vacation from the book until we settled in Tennessee. Every time I sat to edit, I slogged through the mud. I almost shelved it…until God gave me a fresh vision to write my story chronologically. As I reread the 2nd draft Chrono version, it read like a travel log; no life, no story, no showing, only telling, no dialogue; just blah. But it gave me a framework. I held onto that draft lightly for a time, waiting on inspiration. 

Two God-inspiring waves of hope came soon after I finished the chronology draft. I found an excellent local writing group that offered gentle critique and encouragement. One day I scrolled as usual on Facebook. Leslie Leyland Fields' book, “Your Story Matters” promo piqued my curiosity. Years ago I read her book, “Forgiving Your Fathers and Mothers” and was deeply impacted by her story. I loved how her writing flowed and drew me in. Now I belong to her online community with a video course based on “Your Story Matters”. The method she teaches to write my stories has breathed new life into my book. The third edit is underway with more energy and renewed hope. 

I have been avoiding the pain of failure in writing my story because of fear and unbelief. I asked myself, “What will my family think? Will they be mad at me? Will I hurt someone else?" I rebelled in pride against God's constructive critique through others; not only you but several others. As I walk with God to another locked door of my heart, I don’t walk alone. Your posting about God going with us to the hard places revealed the loving nature of God and His people. My prayer is, “Lord, I have amnesia of the soul and I forget how much you love me. Thanks for my friend’s reminder that you are willing to go THERE with me, over and over!”  

Nancy B