Uncertainty

Being uncertain about the future can translate into worry and anxiety quickly.  There is an exponential element in that translation as you get older.  In a given situation, I move to worry much faster now than I did as a young woman.  Life has taught me many lessons about how situations can move from great to tragic...quickly.

When it comes to family relationships, I am sensitive to my adult children's rejection.  It has happened before but not to the painful degree experienced in the last two months.  I have lived with uncertainty regarding this relationship before, for many years.  But this break feels so final.  I was told that they didn't think they could have a relationship with such an unhealthy person.

Since being cut out of their life, I have been reading the Psalms.  This has been my prayer for my end of this painful split.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way (way of pain) in me; And lead me in the everlasting way."  Psalm 139: 23 & 24

Have I caused this child pain in their life? Absolutely!  Perfect parent is an oxymoron.  But unhealthy mentally and emotionally?  Not now, not anymore.  God has been faithful to search out those 'ways of pain' in me.  As I have been obedient to listen to Him, receive His love and care for my broken heart, health and healing have been gracious companions.

So what's the problem?  Go back to the first paragraph.  As I wait in uncertainty for reconciliation, I fight against worry and anxiety.  A few weeks ago, I woke up with a nightmare of this child being buried alive.  I couldn't save them.  The horror of that dream scene stayed with me all day.  As I went about my day, I would be overwhelmed with anxiety and worry about their life.  In those moments, I would cup my hands in front of me, close my eyes and say out loud, "They are Your child, O Lord, and they always were, always are and always will be. I place them again in Your loving hands."

Casting my cares on the Lord in a demonstrative way diminished the worry over my much loved child in trouble.  Do I have peace?  It's coming as I receive perfect love that casts out fear.  May the following scripture verses bring you peace as you wait.

"Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."  1 Peter 5: 6 & 7 NASB

"There is no fear in love (dread does not exist); but perfect love (complete, full-grown) drives out fear, because fear involves (the expectation of divine) punishment, so the one who is afraid (of God's judgment)  is not perfected in love (has not grown into a sufficient understanding of God's love). We love, because He first loved us." 1 John 4: 18 & 19 AMP