Editing Paralysis

With the first developmental edit done and handed back to me, I am overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed to the point of paralysis. My strategy to get through this initial paralysis remains the same as every other paralytic state I've survived. Throw myself on God's grace, Jesus's tender Shepherd heart and the power of the Holy Spirit to shake my frozenness off and get moving.

I have an elephant-sized project to 'eat'. Here I go, one bite at a time. 

What's got you overwhelmed and frozen today?  I really want to know. Follow this blog and I will do my best to respond.

Blessing from Nancy B

Thoughts on a Punch Line and Boundaries

The Farmer's Insurance commercials feature stories of animals gone wild, bizarre car accidents, and claims from homeowners that make it into the Farmer's “Hall of Claims.” Each commercial concludes with the simple punch line: “We know a thing or two, because we've seen a thing or two.”

That punch line has been rattling around in my brain. 'Why?' you ask.  Let me tell you.

When relationships get messy, my first impulse is to set the other person straight. My gut reaction is, "I know a thing or two, because I've seen a thing or two. You haven't, so listen up." That's prideful thinking. Good thing I distrust my gut reaction. It rarely helps the relationship grow; instead it backfires.  every.  time.

The prideful punch line is followed by time to examine my thoughts and motives. Sometimes non-response is wisdom, especially in these political and socially divisive times. If I do respond, it must be without anger. If I am still angry, then I remain silent. 

When I simmer down inside, then I measure my response by considering the true state of the person I am in conflict with. "Hurting people, hurt people."  Sometimes I know them well enough to consider their circumstance.  I proceed cautiously without malice. 

If there is more conflict, then my boundary lines become more defined. Boundaries define how you want people to treat you and what you are willing to bring to any relationship. Whether they are deliberately expressed or not, we all have them. 

For example...many years ago, in my time of need I met a new friend. I realized that her need was to be in control. We did everything together without other friends. She wanted exclusivity; like a teenage friendship. Only we were way past the teen years. We did HER projects together even when I wasn't very interested. I capitulated to her control until I couldn't. Our times together grew less frequent until they weren't.

I asked myself an important questions. Why did I let people push me around? I didn't have healthy boundaries which are necessary for healthy relationships.  Dr Cloud's book, Boundaries, explores the psychology of setting boundaries and offers practical strategies. https://www.drcloud.com

How do these two thoughts of prideful thinking and boundaries go together? Very loosely but they do. Relationships are at times messy, disappointing, hurtful, mean-spirited - you make your list here 👉  

Even though I think I have wisdom to bring to the table, my gut reaction and pride fails me in healthy relationships.  The next step after giving my gut and anger time to simmer down is to consider the other person's hurt that hurt me.  Considering others is a death knell to pride. 

Considering others first benefits growing healthy relationships. If we continue to hurt one another as the days, weeks and...years progress, a toxic relationship develops and then it is necessary to put firmer boundaries in place.

I hate the thought of blocking people on social media and from my phone but those are the measures I have taken twice in the last month  I have never had to go this far but in this season of those relationships, I did.  After I blocked them, the guilt, heartache and the feeling of finality was overwhelming; even if it's just for a season and not forever.

Farmer's Insurance punch line is just that - a clever punch line. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a lifetime of valuable learning. 

Be kind to yourself during difficult relationship seasons. Would love to hear from you!

Nancy B

Walking Woozy

 This is not only a picture of my Corgi Jade on her bed. This is Jade sleeping off the effects of anesthetic from dental cleaning.  Clean teeth, no halitosis, no extraction equals good news and a lighter bank account.  As I watched her woozy walk bumping into a few things to only plop down on the floor, I could feel it myself.

Have you ever had a relational bad news shock of some kind? Of course, you have. The next day after a night of tossing and turning, you walk woozy from battered emotions or physical pain or both. Then the inevitable 'what if', 'why me', 'how could they', 'what am I going to do' starts in. I hate those things in my mind. Very unproductive thoughts, right?

As I watched the rain come down and slowly navigated my to-do list, I waited for the anesthetic to wear off.  The anesthetic that initially blunts our emotional pain is a gift from God. He doesn't intend for it to last very long; only long enough to get us through the shock that troubles cause. 

Today is better, tomorrow even more. But living with the dull ache of separation is constant. Only God through the love of Jesus can 'bear me hence' to the place of grace, rest and forgiveness.  

When you walk woozy through troubles because of relational pain, what do YOU do to get your footing back?

Walkin' on with Jesus.

Nancy B

Remnants of Summer 2020

Even with the unusual times we are living in; Covid19, riots, political unrest, quarantine, hatred and palatable fear of unmasked people, this summer has had few wrinkles. We have been going about our lives doing some household downsizing and pursuing relationships as usual. Camping trips are always high on the list to look forward giving us much needed friend time.

I reached a milestone lately that I am celebrating. As of last week, the first draft of Missing Pages is done. After six years of uncertainty and sweat equity, the book and I are in a good place. As a friend said, "Your baby is born." Now to shepherd it to a fully formed, readable format. 

Missing Pages reflects God's hope in tough circumstances. I am grateful to God for giving me serendipitous encouragement recently. I told my lovely friend Rebecca that her gift made me ugly cry. (this picture is after the ugly cry) The package also included a girl's best friends; chocolate (long gone) and Starbucks brown butter caramel Frappuccino! I am still working on the frap! Her note was creatively crafted and so lovely. I leave it up where I can read it.

Now to keep working, polish up the book and let it go out to ones who desperately need the message of God's hope.

Never lose hope! God is near!

Nancy B

Your teen is always asking you a bottom line question. “Will you still love me if..?” 

How do you answer that question?  Let’s take a picture from a roller coaster analogy.

First drive to the park, walk to the ride, buy your ticket, get onto the ride, secure yourself, hold on tight through the ups, downs and curves (some go upside down), take a deep breath at the end, then do it again.

Your child asked you, “Will you still love me if…?

I drive to the park? Your child may not be familiar with a roller coaster ride. What if this is their first ride? How do you prepare them to get to the park?

Do you preface their trip with tales from your life of disastrous rides you have been on? They don’t really care what your experience has taught you, they care if you show them you care more about their experience.  In spite of your fears, are you showing support and excitement for their roller coaster ride?

What if no matter how you warn or instruct them, they are determined to ride the roller coaster? Here is the tough part. We do have life experience and knowledge of our child that may tell them they aren’t ready to ride a roller coaster. Our responsibility is to find a way to say no without shaming them for their desire to ride.

I walk to the ride? Once your child is ‘at the park’, they may not be within your sight. Have you equipped them to find the way if they get lost getting to the ride? What kind of map do they have? Even if they insist they know the way, or friend Susie knows the way, give them guidelines and parameters for their walk from the parking lot to the roller coaster ride.

I ask you to buy me a ticket? It is going to cost them to take this ride. Do they have the money or means to get on? If they don’t, have they spent their money on other items? How can you help them prepare for the cost of a ride? Know you child’s capacity to act either responsibly or irresponsibly. Reward responsibility and teach through irresponsibility.  

I get onto the ride? Thinking, planning and saving for a roller coaster ride is just the start. Now they are ready to experience the ride. Are they excited, scared, hesitant, cocky, ignoring you, bringing along that friend you don’t approve of? Step on board with them when appropriate. Shared experiences, especially risky ones, are wonderful bonding times after the ride is over.

I don’t hold on tight? You see this experience is rough for them. It’s going to end in hurt feelings, injury, lost confidence, dizziness and maybe the breakup of with the friend you don’t approve of. After the disastrous ride can be the perfect time to speak encouragement and hope into your child’s life. Don’t miss this by shaming them for trying

I get sick from the ride? To be a bit gross, what if your child gets sick from the ride and you end up holding their head in the middle of the night while they spew vomit. They may even miss the toilet and get some on you (euuuuuwwww). It happens more than you know. Again, don’t shame but use this opportunity to assure them of your love.  Later, when their stomach has calmed down you can teach and instruct them. As much as you correct them, listen to them.

I do it again? Do NOT remind them what a disastrous first ride they had.  Talk over, pray over all the things they could do differently. Don’t have that big breakfast before you get on the ride. And listen…listen…listen with the goal to hear their heart.

An excerpt from Missing Pages: Adolescence.  I would love to hear from you.  Do you have a story or comments to share?  

Nancy B

Getting away TO it all!

Entry to Creekside Cabin: relaxing porch

 
A few of the amenities and cabin decorating

 
John and Jade relax and listen to the rain: I write.

You've heard the expression, "Getting away from it all"; leaving the daily monotony, a stressful job or a difficult personal conflict.  Vacation is normally an experience that takes you away from the norm to give you a break from the list above.  This time away has felt like going TO something; resting, walking, talking, reading and lots of reflective silence.

We traveled to Creekside Cabin in TN to spend a week in our future home state.  This is our first Arbnb experience which has been overwhelmingly positive.  The owners have made this cozy little cabin a haven of peace, calm and so many thoughtful amenities; like farm fresh eggs waiting in the frig.  The two big white farm dogs, Dolly and Dixie visit the cabin daily.  What huge sweethearts they are!  Jade, our corgi, is dwarfed by these gentle gals but took charge at the get go. They still aren't friends but Jade's growling has stopped.  I plead with my stubborn corgi to 'play nice'; per usual, she ignores me and does as she pleases, until I insist.

Creekside Cabin 

Even in the middle of the Covid-19 virus upheaval, we attended a Home Builders show in the Cumberland county seat of Crossville, our future home.  We met folks who answered many of our questions and gave us valuable information about the area building industry.  A memorable vendor was a young vet who we talked to at length.  Josh's non-profit is working to establish tiny house communities for veterans.  Please take a look at what he is doing for our vets.  

Community for Heroes

The time we've spent at our property helps us to dream and envision a productive and fruitful life after retirement.  Our neighbors, Mike, Charlie, Vicky and dog Sam welcomed us even in the middle of some muddy yard work.  (They've had so much rain down here!) And to see our little Corgi Jade zip through the leaf covered ground of our land is a happy sight.  Our short-legged wonder moves fast!  (and has a nose to find the dead rabbit!) Can you spot Jade in the middle of the picture?

We are grateful to God for His presence, protection and plans for a good future.
Until next time,
Nancy B